Journal #6: Self-Concept

 From my list, I have chosen a couple of examples from each of the 6 examples provided, which I shall now list out. Physically, I'd consider wearing glasses to be pretty distinct, as I've worn them since age 3, and for the second is my flexibility in general, which works as a great party trick. Social trait-wise, I am definitely awkward, and I have a tendency to mumble. When it comes to roles, I am not completely sure what that refers to, but I suppose I'm a decent listener? I have plenty of defining interests (dogs, my slightly unorthodox music taste, etc), and I am unsure of talents I possess. Memory, maybe? And, finally, as far as belief systems go, I don't subscribe to any religion.

All of that being said, I have always perceived myself as fairly average, if not a bit on the introverted side. I am by no means fantastic at speaking, and when it comes to actually presenting or giving my thoughts, I usually stumble over my words and start shaking like my best friend's chihuahua Baked Beans. I am also fairly reserved, which is why I tend to prefer online classes as I do not have to be in front of people as I speak to them. 

One particular other (well, more so a group of them) that has vastly impacted my self-perception is my peers. I have lived in the same place my entire life, so a lot of the people I grew up with and went to K-12 with were people who I saw constantly across many years. In the grand scheme of things, their perceptions of me really shaped who I am socially, as a lot of past experiences with peers have led me to be more reserved. When I say reserved, I refer more to my interests and the things I enjoy. Listening to my peers talk about music or video games, I often found that they'd talk negatively about people who enjoy a certain genre, and as such I have always been hesitant to talk to people about my interests because of that judgment I have grown up with.

However, I have other particular others who have done work to combat the self-perception I gained from my peers, and they are my two friends Fay and The Ginger (his real name is Alan, but nobody calls him that). They have actually done some work to reverse my negative self-perception by giving me opportunities to openly talk about things I enjoy, and they do not view my long passionate ramblings as weird like other classmates had. By becoming friends with them, my former belief that I was awkward and socially a failure was replaced with the mindset that I can do public speaking, and I can talk about my interests. It's simply a matter of audience, and being with people who understand and are just as passionate about nerdy things was a great change of pace. We even regularly have Zoom PowerPoint nights where we take turns and "yap" for hours on end about a specific topic while the other two listen.

Given that I am rambling on, I shall now address the next part of the prompt so as to not force you to read 1,000 words of me vomiting a stream of consciousness into this document. When it comes to identity scripts, school is definitely the most notable. Even after I graduated high school, I have always kept certain rules a part of my daily routine: being on time, not interrupting people, even if I have to wait a while, watching my language, and more. These expectations have been drilled into my head since I was in single digits, so I have no trouble following them. In that sense, I have always considered myself a rule follower. I see myself in my friend group as the mom friend sometimes, constantly telling my friends to quiet down or be mindful of their surroundings. 

All of that being said, I can definitely see the impact that these factors have had on my self-perception. For example, the combination of judgment from my peers and my strict rule-following as a child are to blame for how reserved and routine-oriented I am. Small things like placing a napkin on my lap at a restaurant or sneezing into the crook of my elbow were stressed to me as a child and remain habits to this day. Things like frequent remarks at school have impacted how I used to view myself and my appearance. While the majority of my mannerisms were likely taught directly by particular others, I can see looking back that my own overactive imagination is to blame for exaggerating certain beliefs I have toward myself.